Math, Would You Kindly Set Yourself On Fire?
by xxIAmTheSkyxx
Summary: Watch me as I burn my math books. Oh, and there's a puppy, too. Oneshot present for my younger sister.


_Yay, it's done! :D_

_This is a short little thing I wrote for my younger sister's birthday. She took one of my story ideas and added her own personal twists to it. She gave me all the elements to work with so I could write this for her, so if you see something funny or stupid or whatever in the second section – that was all her, guys! (Other than the fourth wall breaking! That's all me!)_

_Hope you enjoy! And sis, sorry I didn't work on it sooner, but it's here now. I hope you like it most of all!_

**Math, Would You Kindly Set Yourself On Fire?**

Oh, hey there! You actually decided to click on this story? You must really want to see math get burned, huh? Judging from the title at least, anyway. I don't think you'd be here if you (heaven forbid) _liked _math.

If you're some kind of math pragmatist who knows that it won't go away no matter how many of their textbooks you burn (what the heck are you doing here?), then you are one sad, boring person. Go and calculate the surface area of an ellipsoid or something.

…Geez, I don't even know what I just said. The writer probably just pulled it out of a random hat or something. This is probably because the author took a calculus class herself and hated it.

Haha, yeah. I'm gonna enjoy this.

* * *

I tossed another book into the fire and watched the paper crinkle and fall apart in the heat. The glowing ashes sparked up into the cool evening air, and I couldn't hold in the smile that was on my face then. This was probably the best use I'd ever gotten out of these things.

"Sora! What are you doing?!"

I turned my head to see my older brother Terra jogging across the sand to where I was. He had an angry expression on his face, though I had no idea what was wrong with what I was doing.

"Setting my math books on fire," I said matter-of-factly as he drew near. "Next question?"

"That's the question!" he snapped as he came to a stop next to me. "Do you have any idea how expensive those books were?! Those were for your summer work!"

Man, why does he have to be such a killjoy? "But summer's almost over," I pointed out as I stood to face him properly. "I don't need them anymore."

"For the love of all that is good, Sora – that's not the point here!" he groaned. "You're pretty much burning money! We could have donated those books to someone else!"

"And have them burn the books instead?"

"No!"

"But why else would someone want math workbooks at the end of summer?" I wondered. "I mean, I'd understand if it was Leon, but –"

Terra palmed his face and sighed. "That…is hitting below the belt, Sora."

"What? It's the truth, isn't it? It's not like he has a life or anything; all he does is sit at home and act smart."

"Hey, that's not true. He still has friends –"

"Yeah, like _one_. He's still a nerd."

"That's still –" He shook his head sharply. "Ugh, but that's not the _point_ here! How many books have you burned so far?"

"Three."

Terra looked about to pass out. "Oh my Lord…" he said weakly. "Mom is going to _kill_ you when she finds out."

"_If_ she finds out. It's not like she'll see me working on workbooks over the school year."

He looked at me incredulously. "You…seriously can't be this dense, Sora."

"I'm not dense," I retorted. "I'm just, uh…literal-minded!"

"You're not helping your case."

"Shut up."

I have no idea how long we stood there arguing, and I seriously hope I'm not boring you with this random rambling. I'm not doing this on purpose; Terra's the one who came and started it!

"Hey, what's going on here?"

A new voice! Yes, someone else is here! Please make this narrative at least a bit more entertaining! Please don't disappoint me when I turn arou –

Oh. It's just Cloud. Dang it.

He's not bad or anything; he's just…you know, boring. He's the only friend that my nerd brother Leon has that I mentioned earlier.

"Cloud, thank God you're here," Terra was saying feverishly. "You have to talk some sense into this idiot. He's burning his math books!"

Cloud looked from Terra, to the burning books, then to me. And all he said was, "You burned your workbooks too?"

It took me a minute to get what he was saying. "Wait. 'Too'?"

"You're not the only one who's burning books. Roxas burned his English books just yesterday."

"What?! He burned his English books?!" I exclaimed. Roxas was this guy's younger brother. Never talked to him before, but I've seen him around. "Why would he do that?!"

"Because he hates reading," Cloud answered bluntly. "Kind of like how you hate math."

"B-but –" That jerk! He burned an English book! The English book that had probably held pointless yet strangely entertaining short stories! How dare he! "Those perfectly good short stories! They're gone forever!"

(Okay, I know that there are multiple copies of said workbooks, but I don't care!)

"He isn't gonna be too thrilled with you for burning those math books, then," he went on. "Math is his best subject, you know."

I'm starting to think that these opposite traits with a character that I don't even know are being shoved on me on purpose to mock the fact that I was rebelling against authority and burning workbooks in a bonfire. Well, you know what? Screw you, irony! I don't care about me having uncannily cliché polar opposite character traits with a completely random person! That's not gonna change me! Not one bit! I'm genre savvy, and I sure as heck know it! I'm not gonna suffer here today! Throw all the hurdles you want at me; I'm not gonna fall here!

"Well, he's not normal, then," I countered as I turned back to my bonfire. The book I'd tossed in a little while ago was black and shriveled now. I poked it with the stick I was holding, and it crumbled into ashes. "The stuff we learn in math books is completely pointless until you get to college, anyway. What's he gonna be, a rocket scientist?"

"Yeah." He looked completely serious.

Okay, this is just plain ridiculous. "Right. And I'm gonna be a lawyer."

"Wouldn't want you as my defense attorney," Terra chuckled under his breath.

"Shut it already," I snapped.

"Boys?" Yet another new person! This person sounds disturbingly familiar, though… "Is something going on over there?"

"Oh no…" Terra hissed, sounding panicky. "Sora, it's Mom! She's coming this way!"

I blanched. Great. I'm officially screwed now.

"Um…you gonna be a good big brother and stick up for me?" I asked him nervously.

"Pfft, screw that. I'm out of here! Don't say I didn't warn you!" He ran off in the other direction as he said this, leaving me alone with Cloud.

We stood there for a brief second, not talking to each other. He then raised an eyebrow at me as he said, "I was just looking for Leon, but he's not here. I'm not getting mixed up in any family drama. See ya."

I watched him in disbelief as he leisurely strolled away. What the – why'd you even come here then?! That guy's a freaking recluse; go look for him at our house or something! Geez, I can't believe we're even related! You writers family-group us in the weirdest ways possible! Just keep reading – this is case in point!

And I didn't even burn the last book yet! Ugh, I was gonna be caught red-handed now.

"What were you boys doing around the fire?" she asked as she drew near, leading our little puppy dog Rexy on a little mini-leash. That name wasn't my idea, I swear. It was all my mom's idea. Really! I didn't even _want_ a dog! "You weren't doing anything dangerous, were you?"

Okay, I know I didn't give you any physical description for her, but I don't want to. I'm just going to lay it straight and rant about how stupid this is.

My mom is Aerith.

Seriously, people. Why do you make me related to her in these stories? We don't even look alike! The only similar physical feature between us is that we both have brown hair! There's no possible way in heck that we could ever be considered family, especially since she's only like ten years older than I am! _Continuity_, people! Really!

"Oh, um, no," I said quickly, hiding my stick behind me and kicking some sand onto the fire pit to bank the fire. "We weren't doing anything dangerous, honest."

I hid it too late. She spotted the stick and the lone book next to the fire, waiting to get tossed in. She saw the burnt remains of books in ashes of the bonfire, and from her face I could tell that she'd put two and two together. I braced myself for some yelling.

"Sora," she began as she looked me in the eye. Her voice was unsettlingly calm. "Did you do what I think you did?"

Well, I don't know what you think I did, so maybe I did…or maybe not. You gotta be more specific when talking about these things, _Mom_.

All I said out loud was, "Uh…"

"You burned your workbooks in the bonfire, didn't you?"

Couldn't she have said that in the first place and have saved me all this embarrassment? "Um…yes."

"What possessed you?"

I shrugged as I watched Rexy run and jump and roll around in the sand. "I hate math. That's all."

"And that was the excuse you used to burn those expensive books?" Her voice was still calm. This was a bad sign for any kid being lectured by their parents.

"Roxas did it, too. With his English books."

"Don't try to excuse this act, young man," she scolded. "I don't care what that boy did to his books –"

"But you care if I do it?" I interrupted in disbelief.

She sighed. "Of course I do; you're my son! I'm not having a child of mine behave this way."

"But I –"

We were interrupted by a series of yipping behind us, and I realized that Rexy was right in the fire pit. He was covered snout to tail in soot. He had his tongue sticking out as he was panting, and he was wagging that little tail of his like he was the proudest little puppy in the world.

"Oh, Rexy!" my mom complained, covering her face in horror. "I just gave you a bath!"

And…you brought him outside. To the beach. To a bonfire pit. Really? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of the bath?

All the little guy did in response was to turn around a bit and raise his leg.

He peed in the ashes.

…

I…I don't know what to say any more than, you, folks.

Yeah, just forget this happened. I'm out of here.

* * *

_That's right; I broke the fourth wall again! Whoo! :D This was fun! These jokes are stupid, but that's what makes them funny! (I guess.) Ahem, so yeah. Last-minute b-day story for my sister. I just had to post this up after I finished writing it. Hope it was at least a little bit entertaining to read! Oh, and I should clarify that the fourth wall breaking was all me. Complaining about all the weird things my sister told me to put in this story. I get input too. Yay!_

_**To my sister**__: Hey, I hope you liked it! I changed a couple things, and it ended up way shorter than you wanted it to, but I didn't want to make this story drag on pointlessly. I know it's rushed, but at least I did it. Right? And I gave Sora a puppy! A puppy! It wasn't the one you wanted me to give him, but be happy I at least gave him one at all, because I almost wasn't going to!_

_Haha, just kidding. :P Happy 12__th__ birthday, little sis! You're awesome! :D_


End file.
